Sunday, December 23, 2012

Hair today,gone tomorrow.....

Today's post will focus on my hair or my lack of it. My hair "issues" was brought about by my own handi work, all in the name of following hair trends. It all started from my University days, after the freedom from Boarding house rules of weaving hair. As soon as I gained admission to Unilag,youthful exuberance took over! I started making every hairstyle I had always wanted to make. There was a time  "Patra" was the reigning hairstyle (thick fat braids touching the waist). Mine didn't go as far as my waist but I tried sha." Ah! Willow! You know you inherited my Mother-In-Law's hair", my mum would shout, "and you are doing this kind of hairstyle?? "You will give yourself neck problems" my dad would warn me."You will be bald before you are 30" my mum would predict (Thanks mum!).

 Did I answer them? Of course not! Were they aware of the current hair trends?? Did they expect me to still be doing shuku or koroba to School?? I basically ignored them and did my thang! Fast forward years on, I finished School, went to serve, got a job and got married. I started noticing my hairline wasn't keeping up with the rate I was traumatizing it, It wasn't growing back as fast as it was breaking!! Small survey I carried out revealed that natural Indian hemp was good for hair growth. I started harassing Oga to get Indian hemp for me to treat my hairline (I had no idea where to get some but that didn't deter me at all).

 Initially, he said okay just to get me off his back, but when he realised I meant business, he had to break it to me hard. "Willow, how will it look if the Police raided at the time I was buying the hemp and arrest me? Do you think they will believe me if I explained to them that the hemp is meant for my wife's hair? you know the nature of my work now". True, the man had a point there! (Hmmmm......I seriously doubted Oga  would have changed  his mind if I had made a promise to come and bail him).The worst part was finding a stray strand or two of  facial hair . "What are you doing there?" I would ask it/them, "Why didn't you liaise with your counterparts on top? If you weren't so lazy you should have found your way to my hairline and not to my face. Mschewww!! See wastage!

D1 also did major damage as a baby, always pulling my hair and using it to prop himself up on my laps or chewing it. I got fed up about the whole hair thing and decided to chop it off to give it a rest. Then I started texturizing it, hoping the whole hair would eventually co-operate, hold hands and grow together o! For where?? After a year of maintaining short hair and not seeing a lot of improvement, I started braiding it again to grow it back.

 Enters Iya Titi, my home service" hair stylist". She was good with braids and she was very fast but she had this habit of picking all the tiny strands of hair of my hairline and braiding them. Tears would well up in my eyes (it was that painful!) when she was braiding them.

 Me: Iya Titi! Leave my frontal hair now! 

 Iya Titi: The hair won't look neat o!

 Me: Leave it! You want more to fall out?? Please don't turn me bald in broad daylight!

 Iya Titi: Don't worry, the way I'm braiding it won't cut your hair.

Me: Are you sure?

 Iya Titi: Yes now, you can trust me.

 I really shouldn't have!!! She betrayed my hairline! Of course the hairline receded when I loosened the braids!! The last straw was when she did Ghana weave for me, by the time I loosened the hair and saw her handi work again, I just deleted her number from my phone! I decided to look inwards and start using the Salon in my area. I tried one and I was impressed with their work. This Salon was okay for a while until the time they did braids for me too....... I stopped going there. Hmmmmm......I suspect there is a State wide conspiracy to baldify me at all cost!!!

My quest for a new Hair Salon continued. Fortunately, there was this Hair Salon that opened not too far from my Shop, I decided to try my luck there. The owner, a lady, was very good! She had male hair stylists as well which was a plus in my books, I was quite impressed ( y'all know most male hair stylists are better than their female counterparts!). She  was about my age, quite friendly and very pretty. She was married with 3 kids. I noticed She was quite chatty as well.

After a few visits to her Salon, She decided to confide in me. Her husband was giving her stress and she wasn't happy. He was having an extra-marital affair. The sad part of the whole story was the other woman was living in her husband's Hotel. I advised her to seek a Marriage counselor and be prayerful. A few weeks later, on my next visit to her Salon, She gave me an update on her marital crises. She revealed that she had been going to different Churches for a solution.

 In one particular Church someone referred her to, which was outside Lagos, She was told to fast for a particular period of time, then carry a calabash at midnight to a particular spot by herself and start praying against all those not allowing her to enjoy her matrimonial home (She mentioned earlier that her Mother-In-Law and some elderly Aunties from her husband's side of the family encouraged her husband to see other women because they never liked her).

 So when she got back from her "prayer session", She heard news that one of the Aunties had been wounded in an Okada accident (a  broken leg) and another one was also wounded when a Wardrobe in her room fell on her.'Oh crap!!' Thinks I, this woman has spoilt show for me once again! And my hair was beginning to "bond" with her Salon peeps o!  *sigh* I mentally crossed off her Salon from my mind. Abi na  just coincidence and not potent jazz that caused those accidents?? I will forever wonder because I never went back to find out o! I stopped going there sharp! Sharp!

I eventually called my friend who initially  introduced me to Iya Titi  and got back Iya Titi's number. I started patronizing her again and she started taking it easy with my hairline. She recently got me what I've wanted in a long while, Indian hemp and shea butter combo!!! (Home made y'all!).It seems to be working and I think I can see the results already (or I'm deceiving myself as usual).

Thursday, December 20, 2012

New year resolution review

For the first time in history,I actually wrote down my new year resolution in January 2012 as against mentally storing them somewhere, so now I get to review how I fared....

1. Church attendance, prayers and daily Bible study must improve this year.

Performance : hmmm....let me tell the truth and shame the devil, Church attendance is  still somewhat erratic,  prayer time has improved, but I really do need to create a "me time" for Bible study.

2. Show more patience and understanding to my darling kids (sulking at them for throwing tantrums is now a thing of the past).

Performance: ha ha ha ha! I must have been high on sontin when I wrote that! All I know is that my white tuft of hair has increased this year, and no, I didn't dye my hair.

3. I need to be more flexible to accommodate Oga's skills in flexibility. (He can have 20 options for one scenario!)

Performance: I must award myself an A plus for that. Oga changing his plan several times at the last minute doesn't upset me like it used to.....

4. Deliberately ignore some of my nanny's skoin skoin and concentrate on her good points.

Performance: Yay! No more skoin skoin because she has finally left! Oh Joy!

5. Say a big No! No! to all these mallams that sell suya in our area (after all I didn't receive any Christmas gift/hamper or even ordinary card  from them upon all my patronage). 

Performance: To be honest,the first 6 months of the year was spent not following this resolution, but no thanks to boko haram scare of mass poisoning through suya spices, I'm officially cured!  I refuse to be a scapegoat! Not forgetting the suya portions that keep shrinking every time I buy suya .

6. Exercise more regularly and eat healthy foods as well (Red Velvet cake and fast-food joints I rebuke y'all!) 

Performance: It started very well initially, but the last couple of months has been exercise free and fast food loaded. Red velvet cake surfaced like twice throughout the year (yay!). I need to discipline myself better in respect of my exercise regime OR eat less fast food.

7. Stop avoiding Third Mainland bridge! (stay in the middle lane and put on hazard lights and I'm very sure no one will bother me). 

Performance:  pele o speed racer, Next point please!

8. Expand my business and look for ways to earn extra income .
Performance: I've  tapped into the food  Business the last few months of this year  to earn extra income, hopefully the Business will grow bigger with time, I just need to exercise patience.

9. Remember the needy and try and touch someone's life positively. 
Performance: Thank God I've been able to do that, however small it was.

10. Learn to appreciate  both my nuclear and extended families more, no matter what. 

Performance: Errrrrm...they are the ones that can answer that, but I think I did sha.

My rival the bitch...

When Oga and I were  courting, I knew he had a passion for Agriculture, Farming and I knew  he also loved animals, especially dogs. I didn't have a problem with that because I liked  dogs as well. When we got married, he kept one or two dogs but it was difficult caring for them properly because of work so he had to get rid of them, but his dream of breeding dogs never died. By then I couldn't be bothered about caring for dogs because I was expecting our first baby, D1 and I wasn't really keen on caring for dogs especially the cleaning up part!
Years later, Oga managed to balance work and his passion i.e. dog breeding, but on a small scale ( plus jamming  awoof luck of having a  nanny that loves dogs as well, Mscheeeew!). I didn't have any problem with that either. 

The problem started when things started disappearing from the kitchen.... Pots, cooking spoons, stainless steel tray, raw rice, Mama Lemon, dish sponge, kerosene, palm oil, pepper, milk, golden morn etc. I've even had instances when I would see strange concoctions cooking on my gas cooker. If it wasn't for my constant nagging to Oga to  get rid of the dogs I'm sure those dogs will be sleeping inside the house with us and demanding equal rights  and treatment!
The kind of havoc they cause na the expensive type. Oga just turns the other cheek. There was a time I was  away on holiday with the kids and Oga was home by himself. He ran some laundry which was mostly his vests  and left them outside overnight (like 10 of them with a very thick towel). He unchained the dogs for the night and totally forgot to barricade where he spread his laundry to dry. He met rags on the floor the next  day. They shredded the vests and towel like confetti! I got a frantic call from Lagos that morning....

Me: How are you dear, wassup?
 Oga: Did I wake you up dear? Sorry o, I just wanted to talk to you and the kids.
Me: (Gbeborun radar up and alert!) But you don't normally call this early, is anything  wrong?
 Oga: Not really, just that I'm going to need some new vests please help me get some.
Me: Okay,like how many?
Oga: Like 12 or so.
Me: But you just got some news ones not too long ago,why do you need so many again?
Oga: Errrm......Kii and Arr ate some of my new vests that I forgot outside.
I laughed and laughed tire! If not that he needed my help to get new vests he would have swept the whole episode under the carpet without my knowledge!

Oga: Oh! Please help me get an extra towel as well .
 Me: They chopped your towel too? I can't laugh!

  The day I knew those dogs' days were numbered was when Kii got pregnant and Oga threw caution to the wind. Planning daily menu with the nanny on her feeding, buying Pregnacare for her, taking up all my freezer space to store chicken neck packs for Kii, using my kerosene and gas to cook her meals. Hmmmmm thinks I, 'the only thing wey remain na for this dog to wear nightie and hairnet and sleep on bed o! Kii don become my rival.

One fateful evening, Kii refused to eat and the nanny duly reported to Oga. Oga went outside to check on her. He was taking forever to come back in so I went to check what was happening. I met Oga feeding shicken neck to Kii one by one! Hian! Wetin be dis na?  Oga never fed me like this when I was pregnant and didn't have appetite,whish kain rival be dis? "Kii" I swore silently to myself, "I will make sure you  leave this house!"

 Luckily for Kii I didn't have to take drastic actions to get rid of her, Oga had  arranged alternative accommodation  for Kii just before she put to bed. Hurray!!! Thank you Lord! But wait o, I suspect Oga sensed my animosity towards Kii and feared for her safety or was it a coincidence???

P.s: One of my favorite posts as well, #OKBYE.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Unwelcome guests....Arrrgh!

Oh my goodness! I really need to vent! Talk about unwelcome guests, who hasn't had them before? I'm sure a lot of people have had nasty experiences with them at one time or the other. If your answer is negative, then you are being economical with the truth. They can be so difficult to get rid of! Don't get me wrong o, I'm very a very warm and accommodating person on a good day, but there's a limit to what one can accommodate and I doubt if anyone likes being taken for granted all the time (I'm sooo upset!) .

 I remember how it all started, you see, when we first moved to our present neighborhood  I was bored to the point that any kind of "distraction" was welcome. I won't stoop so low as mentioning their names, I prefer to collectively refer to them as shameless, irritating creatures ( Please! Allow me!! I have every right to use any derogatory name I want, I've been pushed to the wall here!). When they started coming over to our house, I didn't count it as anything, after all, we were new in the neighborhood and I chalked it up to curiosity on their part, meanwhile they were cunningly using that opportunity to check out our house, mentally taking stock and quietly filing away information for future use.

Today one of them will come over, the next visit, you see two of them. I didn't mind really, after all "entertaining" them wasn't going to break the bank so to speak, as long as they didn't come with their whole family I wasn't really bothered (One would think at my age I should know better).

My displeasure surfaced when they started getting too familiar and even started acting as if they contributed to the rent and upkeep of the house (co-tenant by force! Mscheeww!!). They became a big nuisance, especially in respect of food (Yeah, I'm a fantastic cook) always in the kitchen and forever looking for anything to eat. Sometimes, It's almost as if they have internal radars that go off automatically when I've just finished cooking, that's when they turn up! Is it that my house is now fast food joint or buka ni? They are so shameless!

They just kept coming back, haba!!!  That aside, you won't believe I've even had instances where I've caught them checking out the bedrooms upstairs! Even Nan's room isn't left out. So nosy! It's like there's no word like "boundary" in their dictionaries ( that is if they have one sef!). What kind of over familiarity is that?? Oga has been pretending not to see what has been happening, that's his way of saying "Willow it's your headache, please sort it out and don't involve me". I don't blame him though, after all he warned me initially when he noticed them always turning up and I didn't act decisively then *sigh*.

Thank God I've finally had enough of them and I've taken necessary actions to end their menace. If I hadn't  done it, I would have been overwhelmed in my own home.  Although all my initial, subtle actions to get rid of them  didn't work,  I've had to take more drastic measures to see them off for good. 

It might seem harsh, but frankly that's the only workable option left for me......... They all have to die. Yep! I'm gonna poison them all!

Dirty, stinking rats and roaches! Dem no respect me in that house at all!! Thunder fire them!!

 p.s: like I mentioned yesterday, this is one of my favorite old posts from WordPress.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Random stuff...

I can't believe how fast we are going through December. Frankly I think I'm done with December, there were just too many people passing on, kilode??? God help us all. It's been one thing or the other at my end, but I'm hoping with D1 and his sidekicks a.k.a siblings on holiday I will be able to blog on a more regular basis (ha ha ha!). That will be the day Dame Patience will stop shelling.

 Meanwhile to make up for my lack of new posts these last few days, I will devote this week to posting a few of my favorite posts from my Word press site. The URL is Unfortunately, I still can't figure out what I did wrong when I opted to shorten the name of my Wordpress blog, so I don't think my posts for the past 11 months is accessible again (only my last 5 posts or so is). P.S: Readers' comments/ input are welcome :)

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Who Nose? *shrugs*

I know the title sounds cheesy, abeg bear with me, that was the first thing came to mind.

About 3 Sundays ago, I caught this cold bug going round and it was so bad that I wasn't myself for a while. I couldn't smell or taste anything, In fact there was a point where I had to start breathing through my mouth since my nose was blocked. Oh the shame! I'm sure people were wondering why a grown woman was going round with her mouth partially open.

 Men! That was when I started appreciating what God gave me that I didn't really appreciate before. So in my usual style I decided to weigh the pros and cons of having a non-performing nose (smell wise)....enjoy!  
                THE PLUS SIDE.                                                      
 1.Say goodbye forever to the smell of urine soaked, open drainage and  stinking public toilets. If you are caught breaking traffic laws in Lagos, you can easily opt to wash the public toilets because you can't smell jack!
2.Say goodbye to the horrible, sweaty smell of your colleague's suit that he has refused to dry clean for the past 3 months ( what the heck is he doing with his  salary? Stingy goat! mschewww! ). Or that guy sitting too tightly beside you on the bus sweating profusely in his unwashed suit in our hot, hot,sun. Oh! Not forgetting the conductor's armpits too when he's busy stretching his arms over your head ( thereby exposing overgrown, unwashed, hairy armpits in the process) to collect his fare or give out change. 

  3. Say au revoir to stinky diapers forever! In fact you are qualified to work full time in a creche with that kind of special errr.. powers.                                                       
    4. Goodbye to office farts,bedroom farts, car/bus farts and thankfully, your farts too! (Yes, yours,don't lie!!) what you can't smell can't assault your nose. 
5. Goodbye to unwanted temptations. There you are coming from work jejely,carefully planning how to stretch your last #1,000 to last you through the week for transport and suddenly, the tantalizing smell of Suya gently wafts by from that Suya man's stall...... what you can't smell can't tempt you either.
  6. Yeah and that your friend with incurable dragon breath?? Worry no more 'cos your bread is buttered from that end forever! Men! You can even gist for a confined space without you passing out from the smell or hyperventilating.  
  7.If you trap any rat in your house and it decides to spitefully crawl into a tight, unreachable corner to die, you are spared the number of days it will take it to dry up and stop smelling (oh bliss!). 

 However, the down side  of not being able to smell.
      THE MINUS.  
 1. Burnt offering galore,especially when it escapes your mind that you have something cooking on the Burner. 

  2. You step on crap and you can't sniff it till you notice peeps are avoiding you or crossing to the other side when they are almost near you.
   3.House is burning and neighbours are fleeing for their lives, how una go sabi know when your nose no dey percieve smell??  
  4.And that dodgy food which has been in the fridge for some time, it looks absolutely okay vision wise but smells horrid ( ooopsy!! I can't smell! ),you wolf everything down and It's not until you wake up during the night with the urge to purge ( I rhymed!!) that you will remember that the food you ate was somehow somehow!

 Based on the analysis above I will rest my case in favor of having an efficient nose. why? very simple so person go do long throat chop sontin wey go wound person abi? No thanks.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Moving House...

I have been blogging for about a year now, Its been therapeutic to say the least,my own little bubble I escape to when I need to write down what's on my mind,be it funny,serious,annoying,hilarious etc.All the while I've always blogged with WordPress. However, their efizi too mush!Kilode?? I had so many issues familiarizing myself with all the different stuff included on the dashboard.

All I want to do is blog....simple! No efizi. I actually enjoyed WordPress, but I am hoping my experience with Blog spot will be less technical and more straight forward and user friendly, which is why I'm moving house.

I've still not been able to figure out how to move my Ninety something Posts from WordPress to Blog spot (going through the instruction gave me something akin to a mini headache and I'm not even sure it's possible to move them).Sooo, what I'm going to do is re-post some of my favorite Posts on WordPress to my new home, sort of like furnishing a new house with some of your favorite pieces of old furniture. I will also post a link from my old account here as well.

Things you musn't ever try with Children....

Warning......loooong post (yah! that's to make up for my loooong absence :))

Over the years, I have learnt some home truths.... from children, especially from my 'mini posse'. I will list the memorable ones and the ones that happened to other ...errr....adults.

1. Asking about your size/weight: If you want an honest opinion about your size, ask a child no older than age 7. If you want to be deceived about it, ask a child older than 7. You see, if you pick any child above that age, the child is already savvy enough to use diplomacy to answer your direct questions. But, If the child is below 7,S/he will answer your questions with painful honesty,all the pain is felt by you whilst all the honesty is from the precious one (especially when you assure him/her that there's no repercussion for speaking the truth). eg

Me: D1, Am I fat?

D1: Yes you are. *brief pause* just a bit fatty orobo, but around your tummy is very big. You need to reduce your big tummy and the amount of food you eat *reaching out and playfully gripping my mini love handles for emphasis*


Simple question and I got an epistle and demonstration! Hmmmm...I suspect he must have had that on his mind for a loong time and was dying for me to ask him.

2. Gossiping in their presence: Never, ever gossip/ disparage anyone in front of children. Lots of adults make these simple but wrong assumptions.

A. Ah! Won o gbor Yoruba ( the children don't understand the native language we are gisting with).

B. They are watching TV or playing game on ipad i.e they are not tuned in on your gist.

C. They have no clue who you are talking about.

D. They can't remember all the specifics of the insults/gossip jor!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Fast forward to a few weeks later and the subject of your gossip happens to show up at your house. You excuse yourself to get some refreshment for him/her.

Ola (Your child): Uncle M?

Uncle M: Yes Ola?

Ola: Is your head paining you?

Uncle M: No, why are you asking such a funny question?

Ola: Mummy's friend, Aunty D, told my mummy that you must have been dropped on your head as a baby which is why you are not very sharp.

And there you are, making your re-entrance with the tray of refreshments and over hearing your child's last statement.


3.Allowing them to sleep in your bedroom: They are like the proverbial wolf that wanted to warm only his paws and ended up entering the house fully. They take over your space and even put their mark on it. As if that isn't bad enough, you start hearing statements like " Mummy,when are you coming to bed?", " Mummy move, you are squashing me now!" Am I married to them or their dad? I can't shout. I am going to board some people very, very soon.

4. Not practising what you preach : Anytime they are studying for their tests and Exams, I always lecture them " you had better turn off the TV so you won't be distracted, If you like don't answer me, If you don't do well that will be very embarrassing for you o! So when I was reading for my Ticketing and Reservation Exams, I was in "our room" reading and watching TV at the same time. D1 strolled in, glanced at me briefly, then turned off the TV. I felt my mouth open in disbelief.

Then he quickly said "Mummy you know you are studying for your exams, the TV will be disturbing you and I won't want you to fail". Hian! Wetin I go talk after dat?? I held my peace.

5.Emitting errr... embarrassing sounds from your person: Do not, I repeat, do not make the mistake of deliberately/erroneously releasing any form of gaseous, bodily noise when children are around you. If you feel the urge, abeg grip that area hard or excuse yourself to use the Restroom. If you do it and they sniff it (especially the silent but heavy type that seem to linger forever) you are marked in their brains for life! Let me give you a scenario....

Aunty Eunice comes visiting and did the dreaded "F" thing accidentally, in the presence of the children X and Y( boy and girl). The next time Aunty Eunice comes over, they make themselves scarce within seconds. Their mum goes to call them from their room.

Mum: Ahn! Ahn! X! Y! Have you no manners? Come and greet Aunty Eunice .

X: Uhn! uhn! *Shaking his head and automatically covering his nose*

Mum: Why now?

X: The last time she came, she farted and the whole place was smelling. She might fart again!

Y: * facing her brother X and looking puzzled* I thought Aunty Eunice poopooed on herself?

X: *facing his sister Y* No she didn't, she just farted smelly fart.

Analysing the whole matter! Wetin person fit talk again?? Ehn?

6. Generously helping yourself to their sweets and treats when they offer you some: Sincerely, from the bottom of their tummies, their intention is to give you just one of the treats if it's countable e.g Smarties and a very small bit if its not e.g chocolate bar. If you generously help yourself to it, you are on your own.

Don't be surprised when the next time they see you they quickly hide their treats or when you go "Hello children, do you remember me?" And they reply in loud chorus "Yes! Uncle X that finished our Smarties the other time you came to our house!".

Any unforgettable lessons learnt from kids? Please feel free to share.