Thursday, March 28, 2013

Delivered from Ekaette's clutches...part 2

Hello peeps! so sorry i've been MIA for a while.....too many things to do and too little time. The concluding part of my story.......

 Ekaette was the Sales girl/Cook.  Her menu was quite limited, It was either" Ugwu soup day" or" Egusi soup day" and the soups both had one thing in common..... Dodgy meat (A.k.a spoilt meat) . She was always buying meat from those roving butchers (after the butcher waka waka all over Lagos and beyond, he would now offload the rest of the unsold beef on Ekaette late in the evening ). I guess she was just thinking cheap. 

 Oga stumbled upon my secret rendezvous in Ekaette's Food Joint and banned me from going there  again, especially when I confessed to him that the meat was always tasting off and I was always throwing up after eating Ekaette's "Soup"!  "Please Willow, don't harm my unborn child  with all these your ijekuje, If you want Vegetable soup, when I get back from work I will take you out to buy it (we were staying off Allen Avenue then, plenty Fast Food Joint around). Just stop going there!" "Okay, I've heard" I would  respond meekly.    
The next day, as soon as Oga stepped out to go to work,  I'd rush to the kitchen, wash two bowls and pack it ready for Ekaette's "delicacy" for the day. As soon as it was 11am, I would waddle to Ekaette's place swinging my nylon bag with the two empty bowls in it. One bowl for morning meal  and one for the afternoon meal (Oga would sort out evening swallow when he got back from work). Then I would go back home and eat Ekaette's  half cooked,watery, peppery, appetite- killing Egusi soup with dodgy meat! 10 minutes  after consuming the food, I would throw up! ( Her Ugwu soup tasted better  but the meat was still baaad!).

  After throwing up I would swear off her food but the next day I would go back there again! I still can't explain why I kept going back there though. Could it be because of

1. Ekaette's Charming personality? (She barely acknowledged my "good mornings" when I used to go  over)  OR her

2.Culinary skillz? (I wish!) OR even  her

 3.Customer service skillz? (Ekaette*responding to a customer*:  No rush me na! I dey come! Hisss!). 

Hmmm...I think not.

 I wasn't mobile so I guess it was the nearest available place for me.
You would think that Ekaette's rude attitude, dodgy meat and me constantly throwing up would cure me of Ekaette's cooking, Na lie!! It was a vicious cycle.

My Deliverance from Ekaette's cooking clutches came last week of December of that year (2004) when Ekaette travelled to the village for the Christmas/ New Year period. You would think being her regular customer for over two months she would have had the courtesy to inform me in advance (I thought we had "bonded" o!) of her trip, well she didn't.(Hmmm....I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I told her to stop buying/cooking  dodgy meat?). 

I waited till the New year to resume my "patronage", Ekaette never turned up for the two weeks I consistently  stalked   visited that place. Then, I stopped going over and simply lost interest just like that( Halleluyah!). She later came back around the last week  of January,but by then I had moved on jor! Oga was none the wiser.

 Thank God!  When I think back and remember all of Ekaette's dishes that I consumed, I still shake my head in disbelief and horror.  D2's pregnancy was quite tame. D3's pregnancy is another story for another day!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Delivered from Ekaette's clutches...Part 1

Hi everyone, It's been a spell (I apologise).Wish I had more hours to the 24 available. The death of Goldie shocked me when it happened.She was hale and hearty a few days before and gone just like that! We all need to take some time out to have regular check ups and whatnots.

Rest in Peace Susan Harvey a.k.a Goldie.God knows best.

Not been able to write any new stuff so I'm going to pick from my wordpress archive and post one of my favorites.....

You will notice if you have been  through my posts that most of my gists tend to be about pregnancy and the kids,not my fault o!  Na so I see am,they have bought me body and soul! Needless to say you are gonna see many more posts about them! My first pregnancy was very turbulent. I remember all the daily vomiting, excessive spitting, constant heartburn etc. 

Most memorable was my cravings for Chinese food  and different Traditional soups  like Oha, Afang, Efo riro, Edika -ikong, Ogbono e.t.c. accompanied with Yellow Eba (preferred choice!). 
It was never enough! In fact Oga tried! ( 9 marks out of 10 for patience and ability to deliver). What he went through in my hands ehn? Smh!! I can remember one particular day when we were on our way to Church for Mid-Week Service, We drove past one  "Lace Curtain Buka" along the road. My food radar went on alert!! ( Dear readers I had thrown decorum to the wind by then o).

The woman was cooking Vegetable soup jejely by the roadside, I wasn't looking at the environment, it was the Vegetable soup she was cooking that was tantalizing my eyes and nostrils, making my mouth water! Any form of acting "butti" had disappeared since.  I tapped Oga's arm as we drove past and pointed in her direction. " You want to eat her food?" he asked me. I nodded my head vigorously. " Road side food???" He asked me again in disbelief. I nodded vigorously again." Please don't even think about it! See the surrounding now! I think we should see the Doctor about this your new love for roadside  Buka food".(that wasnt the first time I had openly admired food from Roadside bukas in his presence during my pregnancy). Did I blame him? No, after all he wasn't the one pregnant with his hormones messing him up.

 I went off my cooking almost as soon as I got pregnant, so I started hunting for where to get my daily Vegetable soup and Swallow fix. As long as It wasn't my cooking I was game (My mum wasn't around and I didn't want to impose too much on my mum-in-law ). I eventually stumbled upon a "Food Joint", a slight walking distance from our abode and within the Estate we were staying.

It was a Residential building but they sold drinks and beer and the Sales girl there also used to  cook Rice, Yellow Eba,Semovita,Vegetable soup  on the side.That was how I met Ekaette. 

Dear readers, I  will bring you the concluding part in my next post.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Parking, little white lies and too much efizzi!

Hello peeps!

In my life time, I don't think I will be able to understand the way some people think, else why would you go and visit someone in House No 10 and park in such a way that people in House No 12 cannot drive out of their compound without turning to Michael Schumacher? 

I was running late that morning as usual and I hurriedly got myself ready to leave the house. I flung the gates open and behold! An unknown motorist parked in between our house and our landlord's house, making sure 1/3 of his car was blocking our driveway.

" Willow calm down, this is a new year o" I silently reminded myself with my nostrils flaring in disbelief at the car owner's effontry. If to say na the old Willow ehn, I would have brushed the back of the car blocking my way,the only thing that prevented me from doing so was

1. I no sabi brush car, I never try am before.Only in my dreams

 2. Na our landlord visitor ( rent go soon due,make landlord no vex increase house rent)

 3.Na Mercedes Benz jeep.I doubt if my Honda can survive my questionable/untried brushing skills (I've seen a mercedes car hit a wall before, the mercedes survived the impact, but the  poor wall came tumbling down like the walls of Jericho). 

4. Even if I manage dent the jeep small, na me go dey guilty and I know the person no go use roadside mechanic, na "Mercedes Auto workshop" for Lekki/Victoria island im go go repair am,gbese ni yen men!!

I couldn't be bothered hammering on the landlord's gate,didn't have the time for explanation, so I decided to wing it. 

I really shouldnt have cos I ended up hitting our gate....again!! What can I say, I'm a bad "reverser". My driving history is dotted with reversing "issues". Me that when security men try to make me  park in a tight corner I just blurt out "I don't know how to reverse,just give me an easy place to park if you don't want any wahala". Hian! You should see the speed they use to assign me alternative area to park.Yes ke! I'm shameless like that.

 I checked the damage.Nothing too obvious, mostly scratches and a small dent. Big relief. I made a mental note to myself to look for a rugged explanation for my new dent if Oga ever notices it. 

Lie 1: "Imagine! It was one Danfo bus driver I didn't give chance" 

Lie 2: "These okada drivers are so reckless, one of them hit my car nii!".

I know I'm lying now,but It's a well known fact that most of them are always high on warrefer and reckless to boot.

 Imagine the embarrasment of admitting to Oga that I hit the gate again. Willow!otun otun ti kolu gate!( you have hit the gate again) international driver!! 

D1 was given an assignment from School over the weekend to write a summary of his favorite story book and make it into a booklet. I bought cardboards,cut them out and made a booklet and got him to write the story in his own writing. He submitted on Monday. 

Imagine my surprise when I got to his class to pick him that afternoon and saw one of his classmate's "assignment" on the teacher's table, It was professionally typed, bound gummed and the child's photo was pasted in front for effect! Apparently I'm not the only parent suffering from CMS (competitive mum syndrome). Haba! Primary 3 doing assignment like an undergraduate, making the rest of us look unserious. What is the child going to do when he's in the University? Ehn?

 D1's teacher explained that the student's mum owns a cyber cafe which explains the efizzi, No wonder! I know the School always encourage Parental involvement in homeworks,projects e.t.c  but what's the point if the parent does all the homework and the child doesn't even contribute in any way to get it done? Where does one draw the line?

Friday, February 1, 2013

Women and their Wahala.

Happy New month people.Here's praying the month of February will bring us all what we have been praying for and more.

So last Sunday we finally got to church and we were a bit late. I got the children settled into their various classes and got their tags. Yesoo! That's what the world has turned into when even within the church premises, children are no longer safe and no one can be trusted 100 percent. God help us all! 

So Oga and yours truely made our way to the main church building and the Ushers led us to our seats. There was a lady seated to my left with an empty seat separating us and Oga to my right. The invited Minister was saying some powerful declarations and prayers and you know how it is, some people get up to claim it (even d wan wey no concern dem, dem dey claim am!).

 Na so d babe beside me started shouting, raising and waving her hand, not to the top o! but sideways. I kept calm, afterall na inside house of God we dey and na the same God we come worship. But I noticed her hand kept swinging nearer and nearer my face every time she waved it, which was frequent. e be like say dis babe wan take style give me Holy ghost slap or pluck my left eye in praise o! Wetin I go do if e happen? Stay calm and say "Oh it's okay,no problem" while rubbing my stinging cheek or covering my watering, red eye OR  Slap/ chook my own back?? 

Then she flung her hand again missing my eye by half an inch!! Hian! Wetin! Na only she dey church?? I felt a tap from Oga and he asked "Willow, Is she trying to remove your eye?" Apparently he had noticed the increasing proximity of the lady's hand towards my face. I replied "I don't know o! I thought I was imagining it". I shifted nearer to him to make more room for the spirit filled sister and also save my face from a hot slap. She got the hint and started getting up instead and flinging her hand upwards. 

Thank God, make I no add sin on top sin in the house of God cos I no fit guarantee I no go slap my own back, but not becos i dey vex *reflex action tinz*

 Between, I  Wonder why some women would neglect basic hygiene like not using ordinary deodorant. I am not being mean, but in this our hot, stifling weather,It is very necessary. Even if you don't mind your sweaty smell, It might be offensive to someone else. 

 Two ladies strolled into my Shop yesterday afternoon and I almost fainted. They were dressed smartly and you could see they had stepped out from their office. The main buyer was the one sweating heavily, It was as if she applied sweat scented roll on. Hian! It was bad! I sweat too but not the type that would make you want to recklessly reach for your air freshner while the nasal offender is still around.How woman sweat go dey smell like labourer own wey dey offload cargo for Apapa port? How manage??

 Fortunately,Unfortunately I didn't have the size of the kind of top she wanted for her daughter. Yet the woman sat down and kept on window shopping and chatting with her friend. In desperation, I started pointing out other places they could go to within the Plaza, but they had been to all the places I mentioned (Ye! I was trapped!). We made more small talk and they finally left. Ah! Big relief!! Five minutes later, the sweaty odour was still lingering! (I couldn't locate my air freshner). 

Just when the air finally cleared, She turned up again!!!! Ahn! Ahn! Ta ni moo se? (Who did I offend?). I quickly got up to meet her by the door. They had gone round the other shops in the Plaza  again and they  still didn't get what she wanted,they wanted more suggestions on where else they could go. I described another shop location which was about 20 minutes walk but much shorter by car. She and her friend decided to walk o! Sweat on top sweat! I can't shout! By the time she gets to that shop....smh.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Boys Vs GIrls.

Permit me to go all mummy on you guys, but has anyone ever noticed how boring it is to shop for boys in comparison to girls? Honestly! When I'm shopping for my girls, it's as if I'm shopping for younger versions of myself. The styles are endless! Leggings,jeggings,crop pants, tops with bling blings, dresses,denim skirts etc. I love buying similar clothing for them,they always look so cute, D2 doing big sister and D3 looking like her mini -me.

 I've even gone to d extent of buying similar stuff for myself to match a few of their attires sef *solidarity/agabaya tinz* I won't even start with the shoes: wedges,ballet flats,blinged out shoes and sandals and sketchers *sigh*.Everything you can get for an adult female you can get the smaller version for girls. It takes me the whole of our vacation time to finish their shopping because of all the varieties available.

When it comes to D1's shopping,the story is reversed. I can finish his shopping in two hours!Honestly!! It's sooooo monotonous. e.g 

Shirts- long or short sleeves

T-shirts- long or short sleeves

 Polo tops- long or short sleeves.

 Shikena!!I can do his shopping half awake without any stress .Trousers sef na long one or shorts. Even the traditional attire for my State is either long or short sleeve buba and sokoto. Short of boys wearing girls stuff I don't see anyway out of this fashion dilemma. 

Shoes nko? sneakers,trekkers,loafers and boots. Hmmmm.... is it any wonder some trendy guys throw caution to the wind and wear daring stuff like jeggings, cowl neck tops,shoes with heels etc.Sometimes I can't even confirm if i'm seeing a guy or a babe from the back until I actually see the face. Okay, I'm done.

From reading this post, you will discover unfortunately that

 1. It doesn't make Jonathan anymore focused about running the country or Dame less prone to gbagauns at local and International levels.

 2.It doesn't make D1 to stop asking me nastily everytime if I'm pregnant or I've just finished eating a meal (how rude!)

3.It won't stop motor park touts and danfo drivers  from using hemp as toothbrush/chewing stick and gin as mouth wash in the morrin before ferrying innocent, clueless passengers to their various destinations 

4.It doesn't stop daft drug mules from heading to Malaysia, even though na death penalty await them if caught and  found guilty. 

5.It won'tdeter thieves and pickpockets from stealing in Oshodi market  (of all places!) 

And finally.....

6.It wont stop "the Police is your friend" from collecting their  #20 egunje.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Dear Readers: My Neighbor and the Gardener

My immediate neighbors are our landlord on one side and a couple whom I will refer to as Mr and Mrs Kilode on the other side. From what I've observed in the past few months, Mr Kilode has moved out and only comes around once in a while. When he does, Mrs Kilode doesn't grant him audience. He can be outside in his car for hours honking for someone to open the gates for him but Mrs Kilode no send am at all.

 Mrs Kilode has also refused to spend a single kobo on the maintenance of the house  and its surroundings. Consequently, the flower beds outside that we share is very overgrown at their end and the bins are over filled and spilling out with rubbish accumulated over the months,which leads me to my problem.

Mr Kilode on one of his rare visits gave the contract of hacking trimming their flower beds to one of the Estate gardeners but he hasn't paid the gardener for the past 3 weeks. As I mentioned earlier, he hardly ever comes around.As a result the gardener has been loitering a lot on our street. Of course Mrs Kilode sees the gardener every time she steps out or goes into their compound, she even sends him on errands but she's not moved to pay him. I doubt if the fee is up to 4,000 naira.

 The gardener, who by now has bonded with madam, took the relationship to the next level and decided to turn the flower beds to "Home away from home" i.e he sleeps in the flower beds morning,afternoon and night. He has even put up cardboard boxes and *in his mind* tastefully covered them with torn nylon for added comfort. It is an eyesore.  I know the guy though we don't use his services. I advised him to leave a note and his number for Mr Kilode to give him a call OR come around during the day instead of creeping around the flower beds at night and scaring passersby. He thanked me for the suggestion and disappeared for 2 days or so. 

My relief was short lived when he turned up again on the 3rd day. Mschewww!! I was tempted to report him to the Estate Security but the Aluu4 incident is still very fresh in my mind. I don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble for anyone. I decided to mind my business and face my lane.

 Over time, the flower beds became littered with pure water nylons and other debris courtesy of the gardener. Yesterday, I saw a few clothes strategically spread on the flowers to dry and a bucket. Shuo!!  It's like the guy is gradually moving stuff from his rented place to the flower beds. 

Do I keep calm until.... 

1. I see kerosene stove and pots placed conspicuously in his new home 

 2. I see his bathing sponge,shimi, bozzers and towel  spread on the flowers to dry 

3. He knocks on my gate to fetch water to have his bath or use our Guest toilet 

4. He knocks on my gate to borrow matches, palm oil or a cup of garri 

5.He comes over to have a neighborly chitchat and a cuppa 

6. He extends  his residential quarters to our flower bed in the hope of carving out a sitting and dining area

before I start panicking and report him? 

I know the guy is there because he wants to claim the wages he worked for and all but that is no justification for moving into the flower beds. What do I do? Report or Ignore? 

Yours Sincerely,

 Very worried blogger.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Hun and I,Our Story.

Nah! This isn't a love story. Where do I start from? As you are aware from one of my older posts, I am not crazy about dogs. It's quite unfortunate Oga loves them. One of our resident dogs, Hun  na maaad dog! As in!!! D dog  kolo mental small. E get serious bad belle for me. I know what I'm talking about.

 Hun has  been steadily and systematically chewing on my license plate since he moved in. If a dog can chew on metal without sweat, imagine if it eventually bites someone *mentally rebuking the image*. Several beatings from Oga has not stopped this dirty habit. The plate is now so disfigured and chunks are missing from the edges. That aside, when he sees the route I  take to put on the generator(I have to meander in between cars parked in the compound), he craps all along the route so that when I'm going to put off the gen( the lights are a bit dull outside at night)I end up almost stepping in or actually stepping in his mess.It's always like I'm on an obstacle course (I changed my route and he started crapping along the new route as well).

Unfortunately, I've had the misfortune of stepping in his crap a couple of times and I had to throw away my precious, fluffy bedroom slippers ( I hate you Hun!) I can imagine his glee in his doggy mind 

Hun: Binsh!Take dat! My trap don cash you today. He he he *evil dog lafter*. 

After ranting, raking and complaining to Oga with no luck, I gave up and held my peace. So about a week ago while setting out to drop the children in school, I found my license plate chewed on again and curled up like half opened sardine. I lost it! I called Oga and vented my anger and screamed for blood . Eventually for the sake of peace, Oga "settled me" in advance with the cash equivalent of a puppy he had promised me earlier. Ah!!! Men!! Settlement/bribery/compensation/egunje na good tin o!! A happy wife means a happy life or warrefer! My vex disappeared wan time. I'm beginning to have a little understanding of why Politics in this Country is a Do or Die affair.

 Hmmmm.....Nowadays, I have mellowed and all the dog stuff that used to irritate seems soo trivial and dismissable now. I'm even civil towards the said animal. eg

 1.Seeing huge bags of  frozen dog food in my freezer. 

BEFORE: Ahn! Ahn! What is this nau? The dog food is taking up so much space, I think the dogs need their own freezer!I'm fed up! 

NOW: sweerie, I've cleared more space in the freezer for the frozen food you bought for the dogs, I can divide them into smaller bags for you if you want, its no trouble at all.

 2. Dogs crapping outside anyhow.

BEFORE: I go just hiss and close the door and the windows and throw insults and abuses in the dogs'  direction for spoiling breeze for us. 

NOW: Hun! How naughty of you! Mercy! Please come and clean up this mess outside before daddy comes back. 

3. Hun chewing my license plate.

BEFORE: You this stupid dog, does it look like biscuit bone to you?ehn? I will press that your mouth with my tyres if you try me again!

NOW: Hun! Ah pele o! I'm sure you must be thirsty from all that chewing, Oya take some water to wash it down.

 4.Hun crapping along my route to the generator. 

BEFORE: Were ni aja yi sha! Wo moo ma poison e nile yii!( Dis dog is crazy, imma poison you in this house)

NOW: The moron no dey take to correction, so experience being the best teacher, I make sure I hold a torch when stepping out to put off the gen. at night. I don become official Solicitor and Advocate for Hun..... until the windfall finishes of course *covers face in shame*. 

God dey! Lovely weekend all.