Things you musn't ever try with Children....

Warning......loooong post (yah! that's to make up for my loooong absence :))

Over the years, I have learnt some home truths.... from children, especially from my 'mini posse'. I will list the memorable ones and the ones that happened to other ...errr....adults.

1. Asking about your size/weight: If you want an honest opinion about your size, ask a child no older than age 7. If you want to be deceived about it, ask a child older than 7. You see, if you pick any child above that age, the child is already savvy enough to use diplomacy to answer your direct questions. But, If the child is below 7,S/he will answer your questions with painful honesty,all the pain is felt by you whilst all the honesty is from the precious one (especially when you assure him/her that there's no repercussion for speaking the truth). eg

Me: D1, Am I fat?

D1: Yes you are. *brief pause* just a bit fatty orobo, but around your tummy is very big. You need to reduce your big tummy and the amount of food you eat *reaching out and playfully gripping my mini love handles for emphasis*

Shuo!

Simple question and I got an epistle and demonstration! Hmmmm...I suspect he must have had that on his mind for a loong time and was dying for me to ask him.

2. Gossiping in their presence: Never, ever gossip/ disparage anyone in front of children. Lots of adults make these simple but wrong assumptions.

A. Ah! Won o gbor Yoruba ( the children don't understand the native language we are gisting with).

B. They are watching TV or playing game on ipad i.e they are not tuned in on your gist.

C. They have no clue who you are talking about.

D. They can't remember all the specifics of the insults/gossip jor!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Fast forward to a few weeks later and the subject of your gossip happens to show up at your house. You excuse yourself to get some refreshment for him/her.

Ola (Your child): Uncle M?

Uncle M: Yes Ola?

Ola: Is your head paining you?

Uncle M: No, why are you asking such a funny question?

Ola: Mummy's friend, Aunty D, told my mummy that you must have been dropped on your head as a baby which is why you are not very sharp.

And there you are, making your re-entrance with the tray of refreshments and over hearing your child's last statement.

Awkward!!


3.Allowing them to sleep in your bedroom: They are like the proverbial wolf that wanted to warm only his paws and ended up entering the house fully. They take over your space and even put their mark on it. As if that isn't bad enough, you start hearing statements like " Mummy,when are you coming to bed?", " Mummy move, you are squashing me now!" Am I married to them or their dad? I can't shout. I am going to board some people very, very soon.


4. Not practising what you preach : Anytime they are studying for their tests and Exams, I always lecture them " you had better turn off the TV so you won't be distracted, If you like don't answer me, If you don't do well that will be very embarrassing for you o! So when I was reading for my Ticketing and Reservation Exams, I was in "our room" reading and watching TV at the same time. D1 strolled in, glanced at me briefly, then turned off the TV. I felt my mouth open in disbelief.

Then he quickly said "Mummy you know you are studying for your exams, the TV will be disturbing you and I won't want you to fail". Hian! Wetin I go talk after dat?? I held my peace.


5.Emitting errr... embarrassing sounds from your person: Do not, I repeat, do not make the mistake of deliberately/erroneously releasing any form of gaseous, bodily noise when children are around you. If you feel the urge, abeg grip that area hard or excuse yourself to use the Restroom. If you do it and they sniff it (especially the silent but heavy type that seem to linger forever) you are marked in their brains for life! Let me give you a scenario....

Aunty Eunice comes visiting and did the dreaded "F" thing accidentally, in the presence of the children X and Y( boy and girl). The next time Aunty Eunice comes over, they make themselves scarce within seconds. Their mum goes to call them from their room.

Mum: Ahn! Ahn! X! Y! Have you no manners? Come and greet Aunty Eunice .

X: Uhn! uhn! *Shaking his head and automatically covering his nose*

Mum: Why now?

X: The last time she came, she farted and the whole place was smelling. She might fart again!

Y: * facing her brother X and looking puzzled* I thought Aunty Eunice poopooed on herself?

X: *facing his sister Y* No she didn't, she just farted smelly fart.

Analysing the whole matter! Wetin person fit talk again?? Ehn?


6. Generously helping yourself to their sweets and treats when they offer you some: Sincerely, from the bottom of their tummies, their intention is to give you just one of the treats if it's countable e.g Smarties and a very small bit if its not e.g chocolate bar. If you generously help yourself to it, you are on your own.

Don't be surprised when the next time they see you they quickly hide their treats or when you go "Hello children, do you remember me?" And they reply in loud chorus "Yes! Uncle X that finished our Smarties the other time you came to our house!".

Any unforgettable lessons learnt from kids? Please feel free to share.