Monday, January 28, 2013

Boys Vs GIrls.

Permit me to go all mummy on you guys, but has anyone ever noticed how boring it is to shop for boys in comparison to girls? Honestly! When I'm shopping for my girls, it's as if I'm shopping for younger versions of myself. The styles are endless! Leggings,jeggings,crop pants, tops with bling blings, dresses,denim skirts etc. I love buying similar clothing for them,they always look so cute, D2 doing big sister and D3 looking like her mini -me.

 I've even gone to d extent of buying similar stuff for myself to match a few of their attires sef *solidarity/agabaya tinz* I won't even start with the shoes: wedges,ballet flats,blinged out shoes and sandals and sketchers *sigh*.Everything you can get for an adult female you can get the smaller version for girls. It takes me the whole of our vacation time to finish their shopping because of all the varieties available.

When it comes to D1's shopping,the story is reversed. I can finish his shopping in two hours!Honestly!! It's sooooo monotonous. e.g 

Shirts- long or short sleeves

T-shirts- long or short sleeves

 Polo tops- long or short sleeves.

 Shikena!!I can do his shopping half awake without any stress .Trousers sef na long one or shorts. Even the traditional attire for my State is either long or short sleeve buba and sokoto. Short of boys wearing girls stuff I don't see anyway out of this fashion dilemma. 

Shoes nko? sneakers,trekkers,loafers and boots. Hmmmm.... is it any wonder some trendy guys throw caution to the wind and wear daring stuff like jeggings, cowl neck tops,shoes with heels etc.Sometimes I can't even confirm if i'm seeing a guy or a babe from the back until I actually see the face. Okay, I'm done.

From reading this post, you will discover unfortunately that

 1. It doesn't make Jonathan anymore focused about running the country or Dame less prone to gbagauns at local and International levels.

 2.It doesn't make D1 to stop asking me nastily everytime if I'm pregnant or I've just finished eating a meal (how rude!)

3.It won't stop motor park touts and danfo drivers  from using hemp as toothbrush/chewing stick and gin as mouth wash in the morrin before ferrying innocent, clueless passengers to their various destinations 

4.It doesn't stop daft drug mules from heading to Malaysia, even though na death penalty await them if caught and  found guilty. 

5.It won'tdeter thieves and pickpockets from stealing in Oshodi market  (of all places!) 

And finally.....

6.It wont stop "the Police is your friend" from collecting their  #20 egunje.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Dear Readers: My Neighbor and the Gardener

My immediate neighbors are our landlord on one side and a couple whom I will refer to as Mr and Mrs Kilode on the other side. From what I've observed in the past few months, Mr Kilode has moved out and only comes around once in a while. When he does, Mrs Kilode doesn't grant him audience. He can be outside in his car for hours honking for someone to open the gates for him but Mrs Kilode no send am at all.

 Mrs Kilode has also refused to spend a single kobo on the maintenance of the house  and its surroundings. Consequently, the flower beds outside that we share is very overgrown at their end and the bins are over filled and spilling out with rubbish accumulated over the months,which leads me to my problem.

Mr Kilode on one of his rare visits gave the contract of hacking trimming their flower beds to one of the Estate gardeners but he hasn't paid the gardener for the past 3 weeks. As I mentioned earlier, he hardly ever comes around.As a result the gardener has been loitering a lot on our street. Of course Mrs Kilode sees the gardener every time she steps out or goes into their compound, she even sends him on errands but she's not moved to pay him. I doubt if the fee is up to 4,000 naira.

 The gardener, who by now has bonded with madam, took the relationship to the next level and decided to turn the flower beds to "Home away from home" i.e he sleeps in the flower beds morning,afternoon and night. He has even put up cardboard boxes and *in his mind* tastefully covered them with torn nylon for added comfort. It is an eyesore.  I know the guy though we don't use his services. I advised him to leave a note and his number for Mr Kilode to give him a call OR come around during the day instead of creeping around the flower beds at night and scaring passersby. He thanked me for the suggestion and disappeared for 2 days or so. 

My relief was short lived when he turned up again on the 3rd day. Mschewww!! I was tempted to report him to the Estate Security but the Aluu4 incident is still very fresh in my mind. I don't want to cause any unnecessary trouble for anyone. I decided to mind my business and face my lane.

 Over time, the flower beds became littered with pure water nylons and other debris courtesy of the gardener. Yesterday, I saw a few clothes strategically spread on the flowers to dry and a bucket. Shuo!!  It's like the guy is gradually moving stuff from his rented place to the flower beds. 

Do I keep calm until.... 

1. I see kerosene stove and pots placed conspicuously in his new home 

 2. I see his bathing sponge,shimi, bozzers and towel  spread on the flowers to dry 

3. He knocks on my gate to fetch water to have his bath or use our Guest toilet 

4. He knocks on my gate to borrow matches, palm oil or a cup of garri 

5.He comes over to have a neighborly chitchat and a cuppa 

6. He extends  his residential quarters to our flower bed in the hope of carving out a sitting and dining area

before I start panicking and report him? 

I know the guy is there because he wants to claim the wages he worked for and all but that is no justification for moving into the flower beds. What do I do? Report or Ignore? 

Yours Sincerely,

 Very worried blogger.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Hun and I,Our Story.

Nah! This isn't a love story. Where do I start from? As you are aware from one of my older posts, I am not crazy about dogs. It's quite unfortunate Oga loves them. One of our resident dogs, Hun  na maaad dog! As in!!! D dog  kolo mental small. E get serious bad belle for me. I know what I'm talking about.

 Hun has  been steadily and systematically chewing on my license plate since he moved in. If a dog can chew on metal without sweat, imagine if it eventually bites someone *mentally rebuking the image*. Several beatings from Oga has not stopped this dirty habit. The plate is now so disfigured and chunks are missing from the edges. That aside, when he sees the route I  take to put on the generator(I have to meander in between cars parked in the compound), he craps all along the route so that when I'm going to put off the gen( the lights are a bit dull outside at night)I end up almost stepping in or actually stepping in his mess.It's always like I'm on an obstacle course (I changed my route and he started crapping along the new route as well).

Unfortunately, I've had the misfortune of stepping in his crap a couple of times and I had to throw away my precious, fluffy bedroom slippers ( I hate you Hun!) I can imagine his glee in his doggy mind 

Hun: Binsh!Take dat! My trap don cash you today. He he he *evil dog lafter*. 

After ranting, raking and complaining to Oga with no luck, I gave up and held my peace. So about a week ago while setting out to drop the children in school, I found my license plate chewed on again and curled up like half opened sardine. I lost it! I called Oga and vented my anger and screamed for blood . Eventually for the sake of peace, Oga "settled me" in advance with the cash equivalent of a puppy he had promised me earlier. Ah!!! Men!! Settlement/bribery/compensation/egunje na good tin o!! A happy wife means a happy life or warrefer! My vex disappeared wan time. I'm beginning to have a little understanding of why Politics in this Country is a Do or Die affair.

 Hmmmm.....Nowadays, I have mellowed and all the dog stuff that used to irritate seems soo trivial and dismissable now. I'm even civil towards the said animal. eg

 1.Seeing huge bags of  frozen dog food in my freezer. 

BEFORE: Ahn! Ahn! What is this nau? The dog food is taking up so much space, I think the dogs need their own freezer!I'm fed up! 

NOW: sweerie, I've cleared more space in the freezer for the frozen food you bought for the dogs, I can divide them into smaller bags for you if you want, its no trouble at all.

 2. Dogs crapping outside anyhow.

BEFORE: I go just hiss and close the door and the windows and throw insults and abuses in the dogs'  direction for spoiling breeze for us. 

NOW: Hun! How naughty of you! Mercy! Please come and clean up this mess outside before daddy comes back. 

3. Hun chewing my license plate.

BEFORE: You this stupid dog, does it look like biscuit bone to you?ehn? I will press that your mouth with my tyres if you try me again!

NOW: Hun! Ah pele o! I'm sure you must be thirsty from all that chewing, Oya take some water to wash it down.

 4.Hun crapping along my route to the generator. 

BEFORE: Were ni aja yi sha! Wo moo ma poison e nile yii!( Dis dog is crazy, imma poison you in this house)

NOW: The moron no dey take to correction, so experience being the best teacher, I make sure I hold a torch when stepping out to put off the gen. at night. I don become official Solicitor and Advocate for Hun..... until the windfall finishes of course *covers face in shame*. 

God dey! Lovely weekend all.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Dis Harmattan Again!! Hian!

Hello peeps, its been a spell and my end has been quiet (and very boring,hence the difficulty in blogging). School has resumed fully and everybody is trying to adjust and settle into their various routines. The only alarming thing I've been witnessing since January is the fire outbreaks happening randomly all over the country. I will attribute it to the extremely dry harmattan weather we have been experiencing making everything inflammable extra dry and ready to burn. 

Fear catch me no be small. I'm always extra careful with matches now,especially with where I keep them and candles are not allowed again. Dis wan wey person go plead blood of Jesus before lighting a match stick, fire is not my portion in Jesus name. I no dey sing "dis geh is on faya!" By Alicia Keys again sef ( o di kwa risky), at least until we take leg enter rainy season.Do have a blessed week ahead.

p.s just heard a guy on Galaxy TV attributting his abilities to do "sezy dances"  as a gift from God.

I cannot talk.#Okbye.

Random Questions that seriously baffle me

1. Why do women squeeze their lips like they just finished sucking lemon when they are driving? ( I do it too!) And they can be so aggressive when driving, especially to other women, dem no dey give shance.  Na fight???

2. Why would a woman pack like 20 colourful hair ruffles on her baby's daughter's head that has just about a handful of hair? It doesn't distract any one from noticing the lack of hair, but rather, draws attention to it!

3. Why are most Okada drivers suicidal? Do they think the helmets they wear has some kind of magical, invisible armour that can protect them? And they don't know jack about traffic rules.

4.Why is it that when I finally  put on the generator after giving up on PHCN to bring light, they bring light 5 minutes later, and as soon as I turn off the generator, they take the light again? Arrrgh!!! Playing mind games with me.

6.Why do some women have hairlines almost touching their eyebrows (selfishness if you ask me) and full sideburns (showing off!) and even small bia bia (aseju!)? The height of insensitivity towards other women with hairline "challenges". God dey!

7. Why do peeps fart in confined spaces?? Worse if its an air-conditioned confined space (hope people are aware that fart carries the owner's unique smell/ perfume with it like a signature scent).

8. Why is it that when I take pains to make tasty meals like fried rice and beef stir-fry for my kids they won't eat it, but when I'm jejely munching bread and suya or soaking  garri and suya they won't let me eat in peace?(Shortening my ration).

9.Why is it that when I'm just finishing off a wonderful meal and savouring the last mouthful or  tooth picking after a meal, that's when D1 or D2 decide to do  "Number 2" and start screaming for my attention from the loo? (well co-ordinated attack!).

10.Why did I write this post?

P.S: Hope y'all had a wonderful weekend. Been finding it difficult to blog so this post is just to buy time and occupy space :)

Sunday, January 6, 2013

13 Random,silly things you should never,ever try...

Another one of my fav. posts from WordPress.Enjoy!!

Hello peeps! Some words of "wisdom" that I want to share with you, who knows *shrugs* someone might actually find them useful.....

 1. Never use your thighs or your face to test the hotness of an iron, especially when the iron is plugged .Of all places to test it on! I can't shout.

2. Never try to swallow boiled eggs whole. Need I say more? That statement already explains itself, attempting it is the very height of stupidity ,unless of course you are a snake.

3. Avoid eating an excessive amount of Ugwu/ Efo riro ( fresh, green, leafy vegetables cooked with pepper) or dairy products (especially those with "lactose-intolerance" issues) before setting out for a loong road trip.  If you do decide to go ahead and damn the consequence,  just make sure you pack old News papers and toilet roll in your hand luggage and pray the Bus driver is sympathetic enough to stop for you when you start feeling that sweaty, uncontrollable urge to download your bowel content.

4. For the ladies...wearing sleeveless tops without shaving them 'pits  and also trying to shave your facial hair.....big No! No! (They will come back in full force with all their family members).

5.During overnight trips on buses, If you find yourself seated in a window seat, watch out for the passenger  seated directly in front of you in case he/she wants to spit or rinse his/her mouth with water (especially if you happen to have your head out at that time), chances are high that his/her mouth content will land squarely on your face if you are not alert, especially when the bus is moving very fast ( may God help you if your mouth is slightly open at that time!)

 6.Don't attempt to spit while upside down because it will end up in your nose! (Abeg! It didn't happen to me o!)

7.If you are a guy, never piss in the wind! ( That's a Classic, I just had to include it).

 8.Don't go to the toilet with your mobile phone in your pocket (Eeeewwww!!!! Yep! It happened twice to someone I know), this is also applicable when you are at the beach( that happened to me recently).

9. Don't put foil paper or foil pack in the microwave *sigh*  Unfortunately, some people still make this " mistake" even as I type.....

 10.For the babes, do not attempt to go for a night drive on 3rd Mainland bridge with a friend/toaster whose car never seems to  have enough fuel or is faulty ( ha! ha! ha! I won't mention names).

11. Never, ever try to separate two agberos (touts) fighting, rather, RUN!! That is not the time for you to practise your perceived "Agbero Whisperer Skillz".

12.For the ladies that leave home very early for work, never attempt to apply your  "make up" at that time of the morning without adequate sunlight, you are going to end up looking like a clown, or worse, a masquerade, especially if you used candle light to apply it.

 13. Ladies, we all know Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, however, If you know words like "beautiful","lovely" or even "fine" has never been used to describe you, don't even think of going for a Beauty Pageant, not even when those wicked, wicked  friends or" frenemies" try to convince you otherwise (na big set-up and disgrace dey await you biko)

  P.S: Believe it or not, all  these things did happen. 50% of the above statements are contributions from readers and the lips are sealed!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

New Year, Harmattan and Lip gloss.

 Before I say anything.......HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! Thank God we are alive to see 2013 (yeah, I know I'm late, but berra late than never). I pray that what the Lord will do in our lives this Year 2013 will surpass our expectations, Amen. I wish to say a very big "Thank you" to all the various readers and fellow bloggers that stopped by my blogs (on WordPress and Blogspot) and to those that left comments. 
 A special shout out to my UK and US readers, you guys truly rock!! I hope you can find your way here after my err....Word Press fiasco/blunder.

 The year started on a very good note and I'm all fired up and ready to go. The only thing wey dey baffle me na dis harmattan wey stylishly stroll in, siddon and cross leg with the month of January. My lips are dehydrated and in agony. Hian! Wetin I do you na harmattan?? Every time now na to apply lip gloss, the glossier the better and nothing is safe from my fingers i.e I can use any thing as long as it can reduce dryness; Pears baby oil,puff puff oil, body lotion, diesel, hair cream ( I hope I won't end up growing hair on my lips....eeeewww!!).  
 A few instances, I've caught myself applying vegetable oil to my lips while I was frying shicken/ dodo (Yes, It's that bad). The last time I was careless enough to allow my lips to crack and I tasted the Ofada sauce( very hot pepper sauce) I was cooking......hmmmm.....oush!! Lemme just leave it as that (my poor lips are still tingling with pain in remembrance).

 The children are not spared either from the weather, not moisturizing their skin heavily leaves them white, as if they rolled around in Elubo (yam flour) and white powder. D2 and D3 go around with pouting lips now, no thanks to harmattan 'cos I keep applying lip gloss for them, don't blame me o, blame the harmattan. Me that used to yab parents on the programme "Toddlers and Tiaras", I didn't know my own was coming. Issorai, at least I can justify my actions. Let's see how the year goes, you guys have a fabulous weekend.