Hun and I,Our Story.

Nah! This isn't a love story. Where do I start from? As you are aware from one of my older posts, I am not crazy about dogs. It's quite unfortunate Oga loves them. One of our resident dogs, Hun  na maaad dog! As in!!! D dog  kolo mental small. E get serious bad belle for me. I know what I'm talking about.

 Hun has  been steadily and systematically chewing on my license plate since he moved in. If a dog can chew on metal without sweat, imagine if it eventually bites someone *mentally rebuking the image*. Several beatings from Oga has not stopped this dirty habit. The plate is now so disfigured and chunks are missing from the edges. That aside, when he sees the route I  take to put on the generator(I have to meander in between cars parked in the compound), he craps all along the route so that when I'm going to put off the gen( the lights are a bit dull outside at night)I end up almost stepping in or actually stepping in his mess.It's always like I'm on an obstacle course (I changed my route and he started crapping along the new route as well).

Unfortunately, I've had the misfortune of stepping in his crap a couple of times and I had to throw away my precious, fluffy bedroom slippers ( I hate you Hun!) I can imagine his glee in his doggy mind 

Hun: Binsh!Take dat! My trap don cash you today. He he he *evil dog lafter*. 

After ranting, raking and complaining to Oga with no luck, I gave up and held my peace. So about a week ago while setting out to drop the children in school, I found my license plate chewed on again and curled up like half opened sardine. I lost it! I called Oga and vented my anger and screamed for blood . Eventually for the sake of peace, Oga "settled me" in advance with the cash equivalent of a puppy he had promised me earlier. Ah!!! Men!! Settlement/bribery/compensation/egunje na good tin o!! A happy wife means a happy life or warrefer! My vex disappeared wan time. I'm beginning to have a little understanding of why Politics in this Country is a Do or Die affair.

 Hmmmm.....Nowadays, I have mellowed and all the dog stuff that used to irritate seems soo trivial and dismissable now. I'm even civil towards the said animal. eg

 1.Seeing huge bags of  frozen dog food in my freezer. 

BEFORE: Ahn! Ahn! What is this nau? The dog food is taking up so much space, I think the dogs need their own freezer!I'm fed up! 

NOW: sweerie, I've cleared more space in the freezer for the frozen food you bought for the dogs, I can divide them into smaller bags for you if you want, its no trouble at all.

 2. Dogs crapping outside anyhow.

BEFORE: I go just hiss and close the door and the windows and throw insults and abuses in the dogs'  direction for spoiling breeze for us. 

NOW: Hun! How naughty of you! Mercy! Please come and clean up this mess outside before daddy comes back. 

3. Hun chewing my license plate.

BEFORE: You this stupid dog, does it look like biscuit bone to you?ehn? I will press that your mouth with my tyres if you try me again!

NOW: Hun! Ah pele o! I'm sure you must be thirsty from all that chewing, Oya take some water to wash it down.


 4.Hun crapping along my route to the generator. 

BEFORE: Were ni aja yi sha! Wo moo ma poison e nile yii!( Dis dog is crazy, imma poison you in this house)

NOW: The moron no dey take to correction, so experience being the best teacher, I make sure I hold a torch when stepping out to put off the gen. at night. I don become official Solicitor and Advocate for Hun..... until the windfall finishes of course *covers face in shame*. 

God dey! Lovely weekend all.

My rival the bitch...

When Oga and I were  courting, I knew he had a passion for Agriculture, Farming and I knew  he also loved animals, especially dogs. I didn't have a problem with that because I liked  dogs as well. When we got married, he kept one or two dogs but it was difficult caring for them properly because of work so he had to get rid of them, but his dream of breeding dogs never died. By then I couldn't be bothered about caring for dogs because I was expecting our first baby, D1 and I wasn't really keen on caring for dogs especially the cleaning up part!

Years later, Oga managed to balance work and his passion i.e. dog breeding, but on a small scale ( plus jamming  awoof luck of having a  nanny that loves dogs as well, Mscheeeew!). I didn't have any problem with that either. 

The problem started when things started disappearing from the kitchen.... Pots, cooking spoons, stainless steel tray, raw rice, Mama Lemon, dish sponge, kerosene, palm oil, pepper, milk, golden morn etc. I've even had instances when I would see strange concoctions cooking on my gas cooker. If it wasn't for my constant nagging to Oga to  get rid of the dogs I'm sure those dogs will be sleeping inside the house with us and demanding equal rights  and treatment!

The kind of havoc they cause na the expensive type. Oga just turns the other cheek. There was a time I was  away on holiday with the kids and Oga was home by himself. He ran some laundry which was mostly his vests  and left them outside overnight (like 10 of them with a very thick towel). He unchained the dogs for the night and totally forgot to barricade where he spread his laundry to dry. He met rags on the floor the next  day. They shredded the vests and towel like confetti! I got a frantic call from Lagos that morning....

Me: How are you dear, wassup?

 Oga: Did I wake you up dear? Sorry o, I just wanted to talk to you and the kids.

Me: (Gbeborun radar up and alert!) But you don't normally call this early, is anything  wrong?

 Oga: Not really, just that I'm going to need some new vests please help me get some.

Me: Okay,like how many?

Oga: Like 12 or so.

Me: But you just got some news ones not too long ago,why do you need so many again?

Oga: Errrm......Kii and Arr ate some of my new vests that I forgot outside.

I laughed and laughed tire! If not that he needed my help to get new vests he would have swept the whole episode under the carpet without my knowledge!

Oga: Oh! Please help me get an extra towel as well .

 Me: They chopped your towel too? I can't laugh!

  The day I knew those dogs' days were numbered was when Kii got pregnant and Oga threw caution to the wind. Planning daily menu with the nanny on her feeding, buying Pregnacare for her, taking up all my freezer space to store chicken neck packs for Kii, using my kerosene and gas to cook her meals. Hmmmmm thinks I, 'the only thing wey remain na for this dog to wear nightie and hairnet and sleep on bed o! Kii don become my rival.

One fateful evening, Kii refused to eat and the nanny duly reported to Oga. Oga went outside to check on her. He was taking forever to come back in so I went to check what was happening. I met Oga feeding shicken neck to Kii one by one! Hian! Wetin be dis na?  Oga never fed me like this when I was pregnant and didn't have appetite,whish kain rival be dis? "Kii" I swore silently to myself, "I will make sure you  leave this house!"


 Luckily for Kii I didn't have to take drastic actions to get rid of her, Oga had  arranged alternative accommodation  for Kii just before she put to bed. Hurray!!! Thank you Lord! But wait o, I suspect Oga sensed my animosity towards Kii and feared for her safety or was it a coincidence???

P.s: One of my favorite posts as well, #OKBYE.